Elizabeth Schweitzer
Master Sommelier

       Contact me: elizwine@hotmail.com

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and

willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately; with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who

wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,

incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,   delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke

and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Red!!! 

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GIVING UP WINE
I was walking down the street when I was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby homeless woman who asked me for money so she could get some dinner. I took ten dollars from my wallet and asked her, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" She replied, "No, I stopped drinking years ago." Then I asked, " Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" "No, she said, "I don't waste time shopping, I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." So then I asked her, "Will you spend the money at a beauty salon instead of on food?" "Are you nuts?!!" replied the woman, "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"  "Well," I said, "I am not going to give you the money. Instead, I am going to take you out for dinner tonight with me and my husband." The homeless woman was shocked and asked, "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and smell disgusting." "That's okay," I replied, "It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

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"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel a little ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about all the workers in the vineyards, sweating, pruning, farming all year round for wages to keep a roof over their heads, to pay for their children, and all their hopes and dreams...Then I think, 'If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their lives and dreams would be shattered'. Then I say to myself, "Elizabeth, it is better to drink this wine and allow their dreams to come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver." Cheers!

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Subject: A Real Man